Inner voice

dashboard confession

2005-11-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

"your ego is gonna kill you balan and i dont need to hear this shiet anymore"

how refreshing it was to hear people phrasing that!! still the asshole of the year among the circle and does anyone has anything to say about it?

yes. im articulate as fuck if you wanna say but sometimes i wanna just lead a simple life but too far away to reach out for the return ticket. my journey has brought me standing what i am- the poet who speaks what his mind exactly says and without a doubt, he doesnt give a fuck what you say. a very good friend said i've lost my soul already. empty and dry away from hunger. he feels i've seen too many ups and down before the age. it would be a lie if i say you cant fit my shoes cause there's some shoes even i cant fit in. people around me are so diverse that i can now clearly see and understand what my old man used to say.

things can change anytime and people act strange all the time.

cant complain how things have changed in this year. what a ride it was, some say. many saw my comeback, strong and hard. when i went weak, everyone took a piss but when i stood back, none can understand the switch. im keeping the secrets buried but the torch is burning. the candle needs to be blown out but why should i when i can have it like that? raw meat, nothing beats it.
the stink and the smell alone draws you away. imagine pain in that form.

if you get stuck in the water without a paddle, what happens? you float away to everywhere directions just to feel safe but if you have the paadle, what do you do? row it back to where it should be at right?

its not where you at but its where you pay the damn rent. broken windows to dawn, been there and done that. i miss the atmosphere but come on, again and again like addicts changing drugs and trying every form. what? just to know the pain to return back right? kinda foolish or blind?

sorry path love child.

and you fuck heads who still wanna piece of me, call me. i know you got my digits, so holla.

im fucking glad i walked away from the darkness. fake people suck the soul in me.

never learn the lesson. im honest as a mirror when comes to saying it loud and clear.

you heard me? now go and be well.

Not your average rapper but he was made a lyricist. Child of the corn and been wild since he was born. Single parent only son that tries to be the best he can to put smile to her face. Rare character, he loves provoking hate from people because his polite and humble alter-ego. He hates bitchy females and thoughtless dudes. Many living in his dreams and his at the moment is a nightmare. Writes gems but people hate to admit it but diamonds are forever. Cant live without his malboro lights, black pen and rhyme book. A journal that is well kept, he dares you to read him out.

clinic visit

2005-11-22T03:38:00.000-08:00

i paid my price.

i had to be rushed to the clinic rigth after my lunch. i threw up my lunch at the kelatan-ese lunch spot and they got worried thinkin maybe it might be their food.

then my stomach started sucking me in like a quick sand and the pain is fuckin awesome to the opposite.

for all the time not eating right and skipping meals, i felt the truth with pain. she used to tell me but i never did listen.

and the damn doctor didnt inform me so well what happen. and i fucking paid 30 bucks for 2 packets of tablet.

arghhhh.

:

Like i never left before.

2005-11-17T04:19:00.000-08:00

i promise when you close your eyes, i can imagine the pain. 9.05PM

but nobody felt pain. went thru hell and came back in one peace and green keeps me in peace. mind at ease. it has been a while since i pen down anything on my blogs expect my old pieces on friendster blog.

im answering back all the calls, messages and emails regarding the blog.

im back to write again.

still with the ego in his own class, balan's left-overs was found at the cross-roads. i made it back friends and you were in fear to face me. the question why always arise but sumtimes i dont even give a fuck about people who dont care for the rest. heartless but humble like your slave. sad but true to the form but im learning to face you and whoever you wanna involve me with. my smile gestures only comes when its needed. god didnt gift me with the smile to give it away for fucks. on the real.

im sorry but i have some new friends that many people wish never existed in the surface of the world but they're alive and well. i didnt break your heart because of them influencing me nothing. now i get the point that somethings are meant to be broken apart to justify the blame and truth. life is full of lies and people future are a big bluff that i laugh because what goes around, comes so fucking around. get it>? regerts are the biggest bitch on your forehead that will haunt for life until you allow it. brush it off if you can cause once you do, slowly you'll understand how interesting this world could be if you're just plain fucking honest. fox around the bush just to be caught and not feeling guilty about it.. man i seen em all. so dont come around telling me what the fuck i should do with my life when you can actually face the mirror to see the real side of you. the secrets in the closet sometimes remains there and the stains from there could hurt you in the future. go ask my ex girlfriends. very well said when friends who barely know you anymore who keep thinking that same old punk from school wanna advise you about life. im done listening so its time for me to speak.

next time, just mind your sweet littering business. fucked me many times so its enough of me hearing the same old shiet okay?

had my haircut and easily lost every inch of random sadness in me. i swear cause when i step outta the barber, i felt like the only person around there with freedom. i totally was thinking bout better things and that night i was at era05. when i woke up the next morning with a hangover after zouk, i got like tons of sms-es from people never bothered all this time. people who spoke on regardless matters about kokula balan on different venues and time. people who sat with friends and decide whats right and wrong when they hardly trust their friends and know them? i understood one thing clearly then. its fucking comedy we're acting in this world. im still writing what my mind says, yours empty like airport runways... never think right or bright. always doing something wrong and blaming it on others. the other funny thing is like how people always think you're bad with something from the past? do you realize that in your life? maybe not if yours fake but in many of our lifes we deal with these kinda people. smiles and hugs. favours and advises. but will they ever learn? envy kills you and everything around you. remember? i always will remain to be the same old klang guy who wont give a fuck no matter what you, your friends, your girlfriends, your girlfriend's girlfriends say about me , kapeesh?

welcome to the world of balan. you can have everything back, i just want my cheddar with luv.

one.

9.23PM

dates fullfilled

2005-09-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

9th september 9.50am

truth hurts and yes, we'll are scared to face it sometime.

your switch is not needed as you know it.

me too, i dont wanna spoil what we have but i cant stay down and keep the ramblings to myself.

9th september 12.09pm

feels good coming out of the shower cause its like i washed away everything.

its time to keep my thought about you just to myself cause im immune of hurting you.

i cant leave you alone, sorry. you made a difference and keep watching how far it goes.

So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine
Live ur life and I'll live mine
Baby, u'll do well and I'll be fine'
Cause we're better off separated...

If love was a fire then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold

If love is the bible, then we are lost in sin
Because it's not in our hearts

Girl, I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl U know I love U
I can't deny
Can't say we didn't try to make it work for U and I
I know it hurts so much
But it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road, we lost the trust.....

trust... nothing works without it. you lost it first and now, im losing it all once and for all.

God bless you silent reader.

dates recovered

2005-09-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

remember the dates? i doubt it so please let me refresh the juices.

24th july.

please, think about this again because i dont think we need this at the moment. let's speak it out

but whats the point, i think now cause the whole emotions has flipped out and left me in a doubt

things mentioned in the past dont seem to look the same

8th september

i realized im scared of commitments.

i realized im scared of commitments, when comes to you.

we're so unbalanced

untitled

im so sorry but hurting you is the best thing at that time

im so sorry but loving you is the best thing at this time

forgiveness comes only when honesty is apart of it

The preview

i just dont seem to understand why you do this and why do you stay on this issue?

i just dont seem to understand why you are living in pure bliss while the world awaits you?

i have my reasons and there are some things that are not meant to be said

lies and hidden secrets behind closet looks ugly when it comes out as the truth

But will i be the person who will catch you fall?

Time will tell but the atmosphere has blinded you

The End

let me wipe the dust of the book of memories from the shelf

i somehow dont understand why you love others more than yourself

i was blinded with the sunshine but in the end there was nothing to it

let me thank you for everything but tell me, what did love had to do with it?

wipe that tears off.

why fix somethings thats not broken?

deseo que sabía olvidarse y perdonar pero cualesquiera que apenas deseo agradecerle por traerme donde estoy hoy.

¿si apenas tengo una más noche con usted, me cercioraré de que nunca los extremos.

porqué lo hago le necesite tenga gusto de una droga mientras que usted está intentando romper el hábito?

Cuz you give me peace
In the middle of the storm
When it's cold you're keeping me warm
It's alrightIt's alright
I'm never gonna leave
You give me what I need
It's alright, alright

its alright for one pair of shoes.

i wanted my birthday to be your best day but guess your best day is my empty birthday.

defeat crosspath

2005-09-02T05:20:00.000-07:00

i got burned for the first time but defeat and something that dont kill only makes you stronger muthafucka....

its all good fam. exprience is the only thing that turns you into a man.

bless the mics with the gods.

b.o.1

2005-08-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

yes its me who has done with it and now, shiet b.o1 is born on merdeka eve.

he's fresh outta the box, folks and ladies....

stop messaging me cause my heart is immune at the current state. get your mind straight.

Got sumthing for you non-believers... let's rumble inside the ring.

Magical thoughts on mysterious locks, stop the cock block,
My peoples come up in flocks, done living in hard knock,
Im the truth, you, an imaginary irrelevant biting sucker,
Battling the sqwad is like head on against a mad trucker,
This is ruckus, never a diverse head honcho been ahead his time,
Subliminal rhyme, knuckle head mind shooting fakes blind,
Raw against the core, the dead poet spits unbelieveable shiet,
Gangsta flicks, i stand kinda tall leaving you face on my dick,
Sick man, the reality shows can save the fever,
KLG, the new school leaders,
You can be in the same mentally platto,
Nobody close to us, you non believers,
I been around, see the changes and atmosphere strange ages,
All the beefs and drama, its cycle, now hate from even strangers,
Come on yo, im done with it, spiritual elevation had me nailed,
I speak to God when he doesnt even hear, some wishes failed,
But im keeping my head up, im a changed man,
With a bomb to explode,
Strapped on my dreams,
Now its time for you to judge what i wrote,
Fuck that,
I skip critics like your bad release,
Who you to point finger at this boy?
Yeah i came from below,
the true mesiah, god blessed magic on this boy,
So boys, save the profiles you trying to create and vision,
I make you carreer and bed room dreams,
Go missing like a magician,
B, the dreamcatcher, look how many i have behind me,
Turn around, look how many tried to be nice behind me,
Fuck ups as ever man but the world is mine like Scarface,
Watch how i flow the bass, rhtythm better than your base,
Witness the march, the soldiers trained for setting the milestone,
With this tone,
I have more ears listening to me compared to anyone,
B fit right like a headphone, heart breaks and silly actions,
Nobody is perfect like the wise said, i seek for my redemption,
Leave me alone, im a lyricist lost with the beats and rhymes,
Fuck rankings, B keeps it hella ghetto, im seeing the sunshine,
Cameras taking pics everywhere like it was my movie premiere,
The silent nympho, weekends burning rubbers like goodyear,
Life after death man, things done changed,
Let me make it clear, fellas im finally here.

*green is peace of mind.*

2005-08-30T02:20:00.000-07:00

Go away thick dark clouds, your not needed here, bring my sweet rainbow back.

thank prox and...

im talking bout life okay.

strange

2005-08-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Love,

I felt i should tell you now how i felt after the two and half month hate debate we had....

I love you but i cant be with you as well cause you're not the girl i used to know, on the real.. and yeah, you cant never change me thats for sure.

After all the cold days and hot nights, i just got memories and scares.

A face of stone, was shocked on the other end of the phone
Word back home is that you had a special friend
So what was oh so special then?
You have given away without gettin at me
That's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?
How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?

They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's goin bad, she's gone forever..
And more forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever

Take care and dont give your heart and get it broken anymore

Sincerely,

Balan.

p/s- 10 things i hate about you coming soon from both the victim.

rescue

2005-08-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

its simple and plain.. no matter how much i hate the fact and claim that its over or whateva...

im not over you yet...

come on, leaving me suddenly to face the pain and rain aint that very fair but as your lover, i could only come to respect your decision but deep down, fuck that, why should I?

after all that we've gone thru inside the space we both built cant turn this ugly right? but it did out of both our actions. i cant call myself the bastard in this situation cause i never did turn my back on you in any manners but seriously, i cant understand how did you just turn away and walked into a brand new life where i know the atmosphere is fake and life is a lie. dont hate me for stating the fact cause it is you who is making things harder for yourself and being blind. cant it be all that simple by just accpecting the fact that you done wrong and yes, i did as well but
things are meant to be worked out not ignored. i call that a cowardly action but no i cant cause i've done it before. all the night i left you crying when you never stated the reason, did you really think i was an oracle to know the answer? by this time, you will hate my existance and the only damn reason im still doing this after whatever that has happen is because shit, i dont want you to hurt yourself again and make life more confusing that it seems now. you and me have big dreams so i thought we could catch each other everytime we fall but now the most imporant essence of me getting into the relationship is gone, someone to be there just to understand this dream and the way i am.... the trust is all the sudden gone as we're friends and sunshine, i never wanted to be selfish but i did without knowing i was acting a bad plot.

but go ahead if you wanna crash and burn love cause i cried you a river and built a bridge.

but if this is fate, then its time to get over it. i cant rescue you from your nightmares no more...

*been foolish but i wanna face the reality*

eric benet and john lagend helped me to understand what is love but it was you that thaught me what was love.

its pain sweetheart, love you and god bless.

How We Do

2005-08-28T04:36:00.000-07:00

Thats how we do, straight rock-ish. Wordsmith and B, we started it all. The rest followed

Special Delivery

2005-08-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

Work has been hectic as fuck but its all good cause after merdeka, im gonna be back free for a week atleast.

My mind fights back but my heart wants to say everything:-

My feelings has no remorse so dont come back around asking for anything.. ok.

Anybody can kiss my knob if they turn behind their backs.

I still want you but you play too hard and yeah, go and do whateva you wanna do. I heard enuff.

Nothing comes close to my family and friends. All the time i neglected them for something else, shiet..... shouldnt.

its simple as this, if you acted heartless and like you had no feelings... then its my turn. Do whateva...

Pz

Life and Death

2005-08-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

I havent got enough sleep for past three days. My mind is away and only one person knows where it is but it's meant to travel that way.

My dog died today morning and i had to break the news to my family which was way fucked up.
8 years plus i seen him bark, tear, attack, guard, play around, run and everything a dog would do but now, its over and i cant even see him for the last time.

Been getting bullied for two days now but today been better cause yo, i gotta fight back. I aint gonna back down, whether im going down or up.

Losing too many things.. all the things i love in my life is slowly leaving me. It better stop now.

P/s- Across the bridge episode has to wait. The writer is mentally disturbed. Sorry.

Current Playlist

2005-08-19T03:24:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson ft/Q-Tip- Got till it's gone (I understand now)
Burning Spear- Down by the river side
Hush- LL Cool J
Keep it real- Jon B feat Jay-z
Millionaire- Kelis feat Andre 3000
Crybaby- Mariah Carey ft/Snoop Dogg
Love of my life- Erykah Badu/Common
Ordinary People and Number One- John Legend (Memories with you)
Ludacris- Pimpin all around the world
Usher- You make me wanna
Joe feat Jadakiss- I want a girl like you (Very true)
Dru Hill- I love you
311- Amber ( The song of the moment)

311-Amber

2005-08-19T03:21:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this song to.... you know who you are :)

Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
I've got to tell you something..
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song,
and it goes like:
Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally
You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear,
and I know why-
Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally
Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally
You live too far away
Your voice rings like a bell anyway
Don't give up your independence
unless it feels so right
Nothing good comes easily;
Sometimes you've got to fight
Whoa
Amber is the color of your energy
Whoa
Shades of gold displayed naturally
Launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy
Still, it's fine from afar, and you know that
Whoa
Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
Whoa
I've got to tell you something

my future stands witthout a shadow beside me.

language disorder

2005-08-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

if sumbody got a problem with the way i write/grammar and language display... fuck you and have a nice day.

im not one of you perfectionist so dont bother stereo typing me aite...

peace upon you if you love me. satan existance if you hate me.

Blues

2005-08-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Have you guys slept outside your door without any support expect your bag as an pillow and an extra white tee as your blanket? Oh yah, the base foundation is the best, blistering cold rough stoned floors.

One mistake has leaded us down to the shit hole. People, learn to say 'No' when you need to.

I understand now sweetheart. It haunts me now

:)

Across the bridge ( Season One)

2005-08-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

Boys will always be boys. You will always be what you are.

Cant knock or erase that fact. For ages now, boys been rolling in crews and no more left out dudes cause even they in crews, just for the jokes and bullying joy. From the first punch right down to the first girl heartbreak, your people are there witnessing it and there's no escaping that. Some handle it well but some break down to their growing up journey. Evert ascpect of their growing up, teenagers in the current age state, know everything that happens around them influences and penetrates into them.

There will always be a first to everything and as you grow up, things change and atmosphere around you suddenly feels very strange. Believe me when i say, everyone has their mysterious secret from their teenage age. Bad or good, the matter here is that they find themselves. Mold themselves into what their heart says and not superior commands. Been there, done that but we learned our lessons hard and also enjoy it but fuck, we learned something, didnt we? You suprisingly learn alot in your teens but you only tent to understand why you never used it all these years. Certain moments and expriences will recall the seconds where you remembered those wise words you always were told to act with.

But a dog has to learn it by itself right?

But hard times and bitter seconds are just a stone to step on. We smile and tear for all damn reasons just to learn to know one important thing- i understand that crying buys away things. We smile knowing the fact, it can fake people but also using the gift for its worth, make people know how you feel. What a bounce ball you would call that? It works both way, both worlds and yes, both sides of your shaping up. In your teenage where you feel like you're on top of the world but the next round, the bigger dude snatches the crown so you know.. But the balance holds the soft spot and hard knock mind state, together.

Part two coming soon to a blogspot near you. Holla.

Hard Knock

2005-08-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

*Im losing it again*

I been way too nailed for past few days and man...

I just got love for people who been putting smiles on my dead face.

You know who you are... got nothin but love for y'all

And the rest of you fuckheads, if you suddenly switch your style two ways, i'll remember to bruise your face...

Issues.

Balance

2005-08-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

Oh yah, many of you had things to say about 'Balance'. I aint gonna say much, let the history do its talking..

Balan is known as Thoth in the Egyptian Mythology

It's means:-

Greek form of Egyptian Tehuti, perhaps meaning "he who balances". In Egyptian mythology Thoth was the god of the moon, science, magic, speech and writing. He was often depicted as a man with the head of an ibis.

Ooopsss...

Snap

2005-08-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents, its time on snap, nuff said. Rebirth Into Reality.

Yours truly

2005-08-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

Now im trying to leave all the memories behind that aint longer rightfully mine,

Moments and seconds, i locked my vision on you just to catch hold of the time,

And turn it blind, the hands i move it slow and get you addicted again,

Im sorry is not the only word i can say about the heartbreaks and the pain,

Past forward, imagine the same arguements again, shall i cherish it and laugh,

Where should i go when ' you got me standing in the rain without my other half',

My breath, i used to watch you sleep like an angel and feel you breathe,

Wipe the tears off and watch you cuddle like a child under our sheets,

I feel the heat of defeat, letting you down plays on my mind on repeat,

How blind i was not seeing you in misery, it was because we never meet,

Fate played its game, the score has left us both in lost without the force,

Why should i ignore th effects when it was me the reason that we both lost,

*Here's the real truth*

Cant blame the distance, weekends were well shared with silence,
Then friends and passion guidance made you hate it in an instance,
My fragile princess, drop your expections on many occasion,
Just call sometimes to know whether im okay and have i eaten,
I miss you like the rain miss the sun, like the ocean miss the shore,
The beauty that i addore, a beautiful love story i wish to restore,
Needed each other so much and now we try to not to connect,
So much alike, always fighting just to prove the fact who's correct,
My sunshine, why lose you to seek out the darkness i ran from,
The patient i kept till the last moment, my mind was still calm,
Confused in our own worlds, trying to reach out to each other,

*We lost and didnt know what we wanted.. we needed time away without others*

Suddenly to your eyes, i looked and to your touch, i feel like a stranger,

No anger, you wanted freedom but i caged you away and lost the key,

Now you espaced without me when i stand here at the entry, without you B,

See, i never wanted to do you wrong but you felt i did,

How i wet the eyelid and how sometimes i fiend like a kid,

You slowly lost as i was finding back the way to you,

We argue and finding the shoulder to lean-to, the feelings outgrew,

Now im renew like a brand new tattoo, you cant the see the value,

I cant move and stay still, please give me back the balance i need,

I always made you laugh but then slowly, i made our hearts bleed,

We partied and parted, now soul heavy loaded, new faces surrounded,

The injury is wounded but your thoughts never rested, it's complicated,

Disaster landed, the mistakes spotted but the future is coulded...

Freeze time.

Confession part two

2005-08-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

God i tried reading all my mind and heart felt but the damn thing didnt wanna get through...

*You're telling me something, so i'll listen*

Let it go then... it's almost over. Let me just cross the next stop.

This is my confession

2005-08-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

yes, im not getting over alot of things in life and please someone tell me it's not right?

come on. we all go thru the rain pour and get wet by mistake but we try to look for sunshine.

I never wanna go through heart breaks like everyone else but god is fair, he wants you to learn day by day. Been inside my own maze for almost 4 years now and im not gonna blame anyone for being stuck inside. Problems came and went by just to make me tougher. I ran way from many, still running away but along came this angel and told me 'straighten up for your own good, balan'.

And i did.

I went all out to change myself just to get that second chance from many. Hey, im not asking for anyone's concern here but i try to please people around me as much as i can. Real people i mean, the ones i love and the rest can eat a dick if you got anything to say against me. Cant knock my hustle. I didnt sense fear from any of my enemies but only from the ones i love. The fear of letting them down and cheated. The fear of losing them when i need them the most. I survived many odds but i started to lose many as i went by in these years of misery. I survived hunger just so vanitha and seenu would have enough. I digested everything including tears with ciggies and my journals inside my rhyme book. It used to help me to sleep. Pills never worked but green helped me at times but back then, i didnt want it. I shifted 7 freaking times in less tahn 3 years and god knows how strong my mother has become along these years. I love you mom.

Here i stand after losing many so called friends that never ran for me when i had to crawl to success. Please, dont even come around asking for credits for what you've done cause if the tables are turn, the bill is a lost list for you my friend. So dont...

I wish many things you know? I got drown in the television until i couldnt stop dreaming folks. But im glad cause if it wasnt for the box, i wont rock, the mics and smile even when im living this hard knock. Karma pays back and someone said i cant write without a degree? TAKE YOUR DEGREE AND BURN IT cause i might not earn what you earn but i got more soul than your whole team of writers put together. Go haead, ignore this god gift cause show me someone who can write like this? Blowing my own trumpet?

Ok, lets print a book together and let's see who sells more? Fucking ignoring society.

Listen, try being in my shoes for one day before even thinking of saying or doing anything towards me. Balan has had enough and im not gonna give it away anymore. Promises are broken, picture are vivid, emotions are intrupted and mind is disturbed. I only trust in god even knowing the fact i let him down many times. I went to see the other day but i dont know were you listening or stil ticking the list to test me?

Balan wants to say proudly:

I went to blast off to get my name nation wide, nothing else. Save your SMS-es next time cause they only want your money. Who cares bout your opinion? Everything happens for a reason and i lost just to come where i really belong. Kartel Records. You wanna beef?

I loved you with all my heart and i never put my music before you. Ma, i write only with the book you gave me and you say i but you think you're not special? How do i show you that i wish i could connect with you in every manner? I just didnt see you coming to the decision of leaving, home, that's all. The door mat still has your print. I havent wiped it off, geeta. I wish i could read your mind and give out answers like an oracle if you ask anything. I really dont understand what has happen to you but i have come to point where i have to respect yours. What else can i do? I dont belong in the space where i created. Im sorry for saying 'you left me hanging' but... forget it. Thank you for teaching me not to take anyone for granted and next time i will keep my eyes open.

I'll see you on the date. ...

Confession part. one done... see y'all soon.

Day by day

2005-08-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

I love you
And even though I'm sayin that you can leave me
I wanted other chances to adore you
I still believe in you and me, I love you
Won't you take the time (Love you)
Take the time to see (Leave me)
I don't wanna have to live my life in misery
I wasn't ready for you to set me free (Adore you), (I'm in love)
Don't give our love away

Dru Hill- I Love you

........

2005-08-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

"If love was blind, i left you deaf and dumb"

Dear Love

2005-08-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

*Holds back the thought*

But i guess i have to be honest even knowing the fact it might hurt to say the relevant.

Dear love,

It's been months i've seen you coming around and just being around me. I enjoyed your company and trust me when i say, i promised to never abuse the feelings. But i messed it up and yes, i didnt see it coming that you were getting sick and tired with my attitude. I drag you all the way into the sweet misery but please listen for a while, what was the reason?

Relationships, im was not good with and you knew it. I wanted to learn and you said, i'll try my level best to teach the ups and downs. We faced the ups with smiles and laughter of joy, right? But when we hit rock bottom and crashed, we barely surived but there was hope. I got hold of it like it was my own life and wanted to bring forward the issues and wok it out. But you refused... what was the reason?

Not the best man in the entire universe, i understand but i refuse when you say, i caused you pain. I thought pain was love and you agreed. You cant scale pain but you cant feel it? I wanted to know how it feels to be heartbroken and now i would like to thank you for gifting me with it. I never took things serious to know the emotions you were dealing with. You kiss me goodbye with a smile, just to go home and cry to bed?

Love, i miss you and still missing you. Let me not count the days, hours and seconds but just freeze the time to stand in one space to correct myself to just bring back the smile. Your voice was the sweetest melody when we were together and now, you kill me softly, didnt you know?

Im sorry for making you twist and turn to close your eyes at night. For the hours that you waited for me to come and catch you. For the promises that i broke before even commiting to it. For the smokes i blew out when you begged me to stop.... i should have listen.

Dear love, let me go or run back to this handicap arms that would do all he can to just to make it right, again.
I went down on my knees to say 'i love you' after i felt it and now help to stand again.

I believe im really in love, for the first time.

So, love... whut do you wanna do?

Yours truly,

Balan

Two wrongs

2005-08-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

Dear god,

Give the power to overcome this. Im drowning in misery while every moment and second passes me like it just made history.

Give the helping hand to raise again cause i feel how it felt when my dad passed, just darkness and path or light to guide me through the night.

Why cant i understand? Is my heart cold or it's just broken into pieces?

Why did you only gift with talent of writting and not expressing?

Why did i neglect my partner without knowing the fact i was showing her mixed actions towards her thoughts?
I fucked it up...... i know but.....

Many question, no answer. I just cant seem to find the reason.

*It was nothing without you*

I can explain....

Cut down

2005-08-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

I wanna really cut down but i think im an addict already, no shiet... i am one. Proven by loved ones around me.... im sorry for making myself look so low the other night and all the other times when i acted like a fiend just for that one drag.

I wish i never stole my first stick from my dad's salem lights pack when i was 14.

I just wish...

Lost in space

2005-08-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

*Still thinking of you*

Book of rhymes pt.1

2005-08-03T04:20:00.000-07:00

Was cleaning up and i found this old poem i wrote, nothing personal. It was just wild imagination.
.........

It was a duet, we sang together and danced to the groove,
But then, it become boring and you made your own move,
Sugar, you can leave out the door with your memories,
Maybe this would be the last time you'll be hearing me,
When i love, cheating is something i kept out of my list,
Im leaving your friends wet like rainy season with just one kiss,
Now that's a big risk, i dont wanna get tangled inside petty flings,
We came to the ending, i heard the big fat women trying to sing,
Just cry me a river and let me tear in the rain,
So i can hide away the pain.

*Emo*

Im closer when we're apart

2005-07-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time some one asked me why i love her and i believed that i couldnt tell her the reason why i loved her.

Love really has no reason to be told, it's a feeling that many find hard no explain and when you lose it, the aftermath hurts.

Ponder around this story...

Lady: Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

Man: I can't tell the reason but I really like you..

Lady: You can't even tell me the reason, then how can you say you love me?

Man: I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.

Lady: Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

Man: Ok.. because you are beautiful, because your voice is sweet,because you are caring, because you are loving, because you are thoughtful, because of your smile, because of your every movement.....

But i been in the same shoe and i just told the things so i can just put the smile on your face geeta.

Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and became a vegetable (numb body) and he whispered to her...

Dearest,

Because of your sweet voice that I love you..
Now can you talk? No!

Because of your care and concern that I love you..
Now can you show them, No!

Because of your smile, because of your every movement that I love you..
Now can you smile? Now can you move? No!

If love needs a reason, like what you always asked to know, there is no reason for me to love you anymore.

Do love need a reason? No!

Therefore, I still love you and love doesn't need a reason...

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, not touched but it is felt in your heart

Down in hell with you

2005-07-28T23:46:00.001-07:00

Van Hunt- Down here in hell with you

I really love it when,
I love it when we make mistakes.
Because once again,
it gives me a reason to complain,
I love the battle lines,
the battle lines we draw when crossin the mud
Ooo I love it when we fight,
standing on the verge of breaking up or making love

What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment.
Love without pain would leave me wonderin why i stay

I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
what would I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you

Magic carpet ride
See it don’t have to last forever
I know we shouldn’t fly so high
But the closer to the sun we go, the better
See I wanna make you feel the fire,
wanna I burn you with my bad days,
Ooo I wanna be unsatisfied,
so you can feel the heat comin from me...baby.

What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment,
words without hate would leave me nothin else to say.

I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
what will I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you

I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
I think of saving myself,
but i really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you

Down here in hell with you

4th Record

2005-07-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

That snake could be that chick
and that rat could be that cool cat
that's whispering "she tryin to play you for the fool Black"
if something's on your chest then let it be known
see I'm not your every five minutes all on the phone
and on the topic of trust, it's just a matter of fact
that people bite back and fracture what's intact
and they'll forever be I ain't on some "oh I'm a celebrity"
I deal with the real so if it's artificial let it be
I've seen people caught in love like whirlwinds
listening to they squads and listening to girlfriends
that's exactly the point where they whole world ends
lies come in, that's where that drama begins, she like....

If you were worried 'bout where
I been or who I saw or
what club I went to with my homies
baby don't worry you know that you got me

Black Thought & Erykah Badu- You Got Me

Yeah, im done falling in love and giving it away...

I dont know how the hell to show my feelings away okay... i thought 5 months was enough for you to understand but the pain i caused erased the thought... im sorry for hurting you.

If you have to go, you have to go... i cant be twisting and turning every night to sleep even when im away for holidays to relax. My mind doesnt stay still. Talk is cheap but tears is worth how much you want it to be priced. Give me a chance, i would have stop every tear that came out from your eyes the other night cause it was worth.........

Yes cupcake, you're right... we cant do this anymore.

So... just one more thing to say before i decide that im done with this and rest it as memories...

I love you geeta... you know where home is.

Zulu Nation

2005-07-18T01:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.zulunation.com

If you're a hip hop head, please click and learn thing you need to know bout the culture. Pz

Program God's Kitchen

2005-07-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

On my freaking lord... i got wasted.

On my way to find back the light of life, i got blind folded and forced to turn back to the darkenss and trust me, nobody will want to be in my shoe on that speed friday.

Smokes and puff. I was little done with tears waiting to flow out but i stayed calm as ever. Friends gather around for the ritual and yes, we got smack and in less than half an hour, everyone in the house was welcoming me into the community. I was against it but they defeated me with caring and love. Friends, how can i replace them?

I should have stayed away from issues because it messed up my head bad. Really bad. I was without my shirt, walking around with a camera and taking pictures with everybody. Old friends and new friends.... thank god there was no issue with any new strangers. I didnt wanna do sumthing dumb when im hitting heaven's door. I missed her badly at that point when everyone had someone to hold on to. And the funniest thing, i was peter pan that night, flying inside my own space. You dig?

Everyone was in their own world. Shades, lollies, chewing-gums and smack+speed helped everyone to reach their own temple of peace and harmony. The music was blaring so loud but i closed the door and lay myself on the floor just to get the taste of my own sweet misery. Thats when the tears came out rushing.

Tears came down and memories was too blurry. Too fast to be caught. Shiet... i couldnt hold it anymore. I started letting loose. Uncle Tiesto and Benny was so nice to entertain us the other night and man, they did such a good job yo...

It was almost dawn when i crashed the bed and almost night when i woke up, so you do the math my friend.

Anybody out there been where i been... holla. Club 6/11 is opens monthly once in Malacca :P

Soundcheck

2005-07-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of an angel,
I almost passed away yesterday,
But im left for today...

I aint no mystery, i was send to write history

Some said i cant write? I got alotta fucking things to say. I couldnt believe 3 diverse character can write so much in one night. I was at the studio yesterday night and i got no complains bout the album cause give us another 5 session, we be done with it. The boys was just going into the booth and dropping ideas/verses like nobody gives a flying fuck cause we rhyme fly.

My ego has gone from bad to worst. Fuck battles and beefs. Fuck text and hate. I just wanna create decent music and write more. So to whoever that have something to say, please do say it real life cause even if you draw first blood, i aint taking it to music cause i respect her more than that. I dont treat her badly, i work with her and vibe with her, fam.

You know the game is fuck and thats why half of the real ones are pregnant with the truth.

*Hiphop, you the love of my life*

I just wanna write more and have more things to say on the album. Since the beginning of the album got to platinum studio, it has going into a direction where the last exit cant be seen. I was listening to radio the other day and i found the missing piece. The missing peice from the album and yo, i cant wait to record it and put it out man.

Till then, *waves* and i hope you wave back with *hate*

Night Shift

2005-07-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah, work is been hella fun and tiring at times. Nights get taken without hesitation. Leaving after 5pm is almost impossible cause half of the night we're up in th lab till late, doing work, chilling, smoking and writing yo.

And when you get bored... this is what we, office mates do together...

(L-R) Bird Man and Cali Boy

Hahaha.... come on man, please.

Design

2005-07-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Vision of gandhi dopeness when i smoke- Balance

Smiles

2005-06-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, first day of crossing legs and potato couch impact but the day kicked in hard towards the end. A phone call and keyboard abusing was pretty much the pain to my lower back and fingers but im soldier... i got thru :P

My mind's was pretty lost away in the cast of cheap indonesian ciggies but i cross to rest it. Dig? Yeah, im just stating im enjoying the duties and knowledge is power, so i wont complain. Why should i? Its the crack of from pain when i gave my word away for the believe people happy to rent. Yes, i still keep it proper with pillies and cheap juices man. Rap tunes filled my ears the whole day, man how can i ever complain man? Its something we dont say no to- your interest and your job gets a match. Im happy yo... at the moment.

:) Im sorry for messing up my phone and crash all the connection through? I just love for y'all for keeping my head up.

Peace to my boys and the new family that lend their hands in without your past memories haunting you.

News Flash

2005-06-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

Another thing. The whole issue between me and david/jbc is all an internet mis-happen. Some asshole did sum sum and we got into issues. I just wanna state like david did in his blog, aint nobody coming near the bond i builded with these peoples. I nothing but love for y'all. So all you internet freaks, stay the fuck outta my biznezz.

Check these links...

http://malaysianmusic.blogspot.com

Check it out y'all, chakrasonic's downfall news. And the writer has inner detail, sweet sweet story.

http://ahlifiqir.com

13,000 sold. And still counting folks. The beat poets who combines dikir barat to kick it real sick in bahasa, baby.

Dear Summer

2005-06-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

In the summer of survival...

I been walking around looking for answers. The question.... i cant seem to stay on the same platform. The varies from different agendas and issues im trying to secure and lock down but im defensive when comes to the outcome.

Being 22 cant be easy when you're middle of your studies that you're trying to get done with it but you cant. Dream that turns into a carreer but you caqnt seem to make it a daily routine. It comes and go like christmas flings. Staying home is the closest manner to keep myself sane but mentally, im still weak. I cant stand the pain that rains down my mother's cheeks. Rhyme books filled with dissapointment and regrets but im supposed to be writting gems.

Complains...

Laugh all you want. Im trying to close a deal with one of the most talented writer i've met and finish up a poetry book by end of august. Unspoken, mute and noise to let go my prized gems that never made to the studio.

Starting off a job. Training would be a hard rock to break but i wanna be the soul survivor. To be around people that pass down the helping hand is god's gift. The beginning of a new family, a new history and a new chapter in life.

Let's smoke more, buddies. Thanks for making me high :)

Battle Field

2005-06-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

"One for the treble, two for the bass"

Thats how it was , back then. Battles were fun and now these motherfuckers wanna take things serious? First of all, i believe in paying your dues whether it was victory or defeat. If you dont lose, how you gonna know about the feeling of winning? I believe, dont step into a battle you're not interested in or you know you cant win. It's your fucking choice.

And thats my believe. Doesnt involve you in any fucking manner, right?

But now, every dude wanna pick the mic and battle?

I cant understand the term of battling anymore cause these 'raw' folks wanna take it all serious and personal with current life affairs. Man, im sick of you punks. You dont like me or my crew or whatever that stands on the believe of you idiots not liking me, whether friend or foe, step up your game and tell me in my face. Even if i lose to you, im still a better off person cause i had the guts to call it out and face the defeat.

Dont fucking be gay's, moving in the back. Whispers in the air kinda people. Holla.

Peace.

Good times

2005-05-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

Life was something that everyone should celebrate and be happy with but sadly... we dont get proper events to fill up the space of joy times and smiling moments. I wake up everyday and still say ' It's all fucking good'

Im sick and tired of talking bout moves and not making any steps. Yeah, call me whatever but man, my heart been crushed too many times being a strong soldier. I fought and fought till i lost everyhting- friends, money, wealth, health and love. Decisions and regrets covers the space of feeling empty and lonely but God is perfect. He takes away something to gift you something better. I lost my dad to learn i have to be man and stand outside his shadow. Feel strong and stop acting a fool to get my life on hold. Recently, a friend of mine asked me, why am i always putting up a sour and sad face thats gives the clear picture to him that some views in my life is straight blur vision. I couldnt answer him in any manner so i reamained in silence.

Memory Erased

2005-05-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

Im really sorry to all the people who been waiting for me to blog.

My mind was away to travel and i couldnt stop the clock to find time.

But this is what i been doing and has happen in this few weeks-

- Lay my verse for a remix track with the don.

- Started thinking about life and survival.

- Been stuck with my pen for a while now. Im finally writting.

- Trying to catch up with friends.

- Did a show in hartamas. Shout out to everyone who performed.

- Had my wallet fat for 4 days then i went back to being broke again.

- Listened to Kanye West- Diamonds are forever. New Shittttttttttttt

- Chilled out Fahmy, Nor, Zureen, Pojie, Prem, Shawn and KLG sqwad.

- Studio break-in every 3 days once.

- Finish recording the final 9 tracks for the album.

-Saw Rebel Scum and TTC take over the stage and killed it.

Nothing more and nothing less. My memory was erased after the blaze.

Peace.

Im done

2005-05-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

The pieces and puzzle of how i feel at the moment....

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters
That I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know
That it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living
Someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Come home

2005-05-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

And baby, i love you.

I didnt write it down to hurt you more but just wanted you to know how i feel as well. Im giving you the options cause i really really care for you. Since the beginning, i didnt want you to feel trapped with me.....

Come home.

A taste of my love.

2005-05-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

Have you met people that never say how they feel or how they want a certain thing to be or even how they dont ignore and say 'no' to you?

Sadly to say, im one of them.

Im not a coward who runs away from problems but i feel a keeping your feelings hidden sometime is for the best. I been this way since young so how can i just switch up my soul because everybody out there wants me too? It takes me to places i wish i would never wanna be at but it has. But keeping my feelings hidden has made stop arguements and raised them. Got smiles and also frown from people for no reason. Always been the humble and quiet guy that keeps him calm and never blows out his cool no matter the terror he faces. But people do take me for granted and for a ride at times. ......

Im fucking writting things that dont make sense, god. Im heart-broken and trying to find the way to gift me a smile. But my topic is relevant tho- why i keep my feelings hidden and why i dont say them out. Listen, im not the guy who says the right things at the right time. I cant offer gifts and everything the world can offer but only love which is the most expensive fucking thing in the world. I dont understand how can some things that turns out so beautiful can just crash without any sign and become so unwanted. I wonder and always try to learn from other people's
mistake from their relationship and try to apply it to mine. I know its wrong but its better to be safe than fucking sorry right? So i did and im sorry it didnt work out the way i thought it would.
But i aint perfect and i was thaught to learn from mistakes. What shall i do now as my face is full of dust and standing here trying to prove everyone and you that what i offered was more than love and not lust? You care and showed me love like nobody else.

It seems now, everything i did turned out bad and ugly. I played my fair share to turn out this way. The same old balan who doesnt give a damn when shits goes bad. The same old heartless balan who dont even feel remorse who others. God, thats not me. Why cant anyone out there freaking believe me? Im just not good with all this love agenda. I can bring it to the table and serve you but i can keep it stored and bring it out when the right time arrives.

I didnt mean to hurt you or stand away when you're going thru bad times but i just didnt see it coming. I know you dont want the whole world to know about us.... but i need the world to smile
with us. I dont wanna be trapped inside a space where our love is and the air is filled with hate.
I dont believe in letting go and bringing the person back but i promise sticking thru them when even your heart says no brings you to the end of the road where you find another checkpoint to cross.

Do you wanna turn back now or pay the price with tears and heartbreaks and cross it?

P/S- Just because my message was full of 'I' doesnt make me a selfish person. I believe in 'We' as well.

Eclectic-Diverse

2005-05-05T00:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a hectic and crazy week. Im trying to keep myself inspired so im hitting the studio every now and then, just to hit the rhyme-books. And i realized a new thing, chorus and hooks are the most important thing when you work on a song in this country. A very few people gives a shit what you got to say on the track, the verse i mean. The beat is another adding factor as well.

Eclectic like fuck, so watch my rebirth folks.

Learning to understand why couples argue. Just to get closer and bring the bond to the point where you're understanding no matter what. Im sorry for hurting you but i'll bounce back and make it up to you, i swear. Just bite your tongue until i make it baby. Without you being there to guide me, the direction im heading is gonna be pitch black. Geeta, be my light.

Im happy for Koncept83 as well. Left and right homeboy, let's do our thang and get paid. We believed and we have come a long way to structure our believe well 'Rags to riches'. Navin, keep the speakers flaming with the beats you lacing homeboy. You making your 50g by end of next year, thats for sure.

Thats all for now. I wrote this shiet in a hurry so fucking blame only me for the spelling errors.

Sqwad Bastards

2005-04-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

The crazy mofo's from the sqwad but where my main man Melvin at? Missing from the puzzle but it's only him that completes it.

Follow the leader.

2005-04-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Follow the leader, bitches. Balance live on stage at singapore's hiphop fest 2004. It was a blast for me cause they knew how to respect real talent and skills, also they were more than orange club could hold. So fuck blast off.

Balanced Dynasty

2005-04-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

God, why did i step into the studio for this damn interview but nevermind, should thank the ghost who pressing the button on the camera. Ming, go grab your dynasty.

Call off the blast

2005-04-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

Sad soundcheck, week one.

Reasons

2005-04-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

How can i pretend with my family and friends,
You crashed my train of thought, affect me alot,
We did it in the parking lot to the club, then your room,
I thought what you offer was real but i could only assume,
Presume, the fact you were proving me right to the bond,
By then, my mind was already gone, wishing my heart wont be torn,
I unborn the love, offered myself without any shield or defense,
My eyes blind me by showing the vision that you were heaven sent,
The helping hand you lend made me draw the line on becoming a man,
I feel like i was nothing but lust to you, the trust is gone with the dust,
Love is one way road i guess so we cant make U-turn's, then fuss....

......Mrs.Jones made me see the reason.

Rhyme and Reason pt.2

2005-04-15T03:59:00.000-07:00

Look what you made me do, look what I made for you,
Knew if I paid my dues, how will they pay you,
When you first come in the game, they try to play you,
Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you...

Jay-z- Encore.

Sometime it riddles me. Im lost inside my own maze and i cherish all the memories the artform has offered me to keep like a secret. I flip through the pages of my mind and soul to just find the moments i shared with friends and foes. Half of them are still my friends and my foes turned into buddies but some still hate and envy. It's cool cause without any of the heat, i wouldn't have learned to burn em. Not on my ego-trip but being humble brings you to wrong places. Fucking saying hello to strangers who step up to you dont kill your pride or makes you lose all your savings in the bank. Im sick and tired of people with their pride chapters and bullshit. But i got nothing but love for these dudes cause end of the day, what you eat dont make me shit.

I wanna drop the mic and burn my rhymebook. After all the effort and sweat, i still havent got the spot i deserve but it's not because of my talent but thats how the game is. Jigga used to ride with Big L and Jaz-O before he got signed. Tupac was a dancer before he drop a verse with digital underground. I can go on and on with emcees who paid their dues but comparing them is a wrong thing. Im just trying to make you see my point. Why switch when your believes dont work? Cause your thought and believes is yours and no one can take it away from them. Always try to make obstacles into an advantage. So if one day i drop some club shiet or some radio ish, dont call me stereoptype or sell-out cause the way you think is swallow. The underground love and movement is all about elevation and cracking out. It's the space where you pay your dues.
I've seen so many emcees that cracked out from the underground went on becoming someone musical and creative. And i respect that with all my heart. Why the hell you wanna diss when you aint making any impact on their standing?

Now, as an emcee/lyricist and poet i would like to state to everyone that i might end this before its too late. Not because im dissapointed or being a coward but my dream was just to drop an album like 'It's a nice day to be alive' or phat's new album and get props like how A.L gets his.
Fast forward to 10 years from now and i still get kids showing me love and giving me pounds.
Thats how my dream was... whats yours?

That's it and many living my dream still.... But i woke up to face mine as a nightmare.

Look out for-

Too Phat-Untitled
Altimet-First Among Equal
DJ Fuzz's-Mixology
Emcee David
Three Flow
Cydal Banks

.....and the rebirth of the bastards from klang town.

Rhyme and Reason pt.one

2005-04-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hiphop artform....... sometime the art turns ugly and everyone in it share the dirt.

Too many groups and too much of politics. How can someone stand all the agenda and still survive in the land of the finest?

Go figure and KLG Sqwad is gonna face it's rebirth whether everyone likes it or not.

Peace.

Exam hall blues

2005-04-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

Baby, good luck for exams and dont worry, you'll do well ok. Hope the pink bag brings luck :P

Love you caramel jelly choco cupcake...

On the edge

2005-04-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a while but im back again without a proper reason to write.

Life has just been pretty normal expect my love life and song writting has been taking up all my time these days. I only look forward to this two subject everyday when i wake up. Only my rhyme book and hearing her voice or seeing her.

Pretty lifeless huh? Thats what you would say looking at a person like me.....

Tell me how do you feel when you stucked in this space where you're hoping things to change? I've tried to make it happen but the more i go all out and try, the heavier the impact is when i crash down to rock bottom. I believe... and that is the only sole reason has been making me survive and life on. Mum told me when my dad passed away, when you lose your hope always depend on your faith cause when you lose both, you're nothing but a dead soul. Im filled with revenge and hunger to make it but i got my head above the water, waiting to drown because of my own actions. Emotional and sensitive but if i become the real person i was, i'll lose everyone around me. The temper was like the cause of the middle east war, pointless anger. I tone down and silent the anger when i lost my dad cause i lost the shadow that kept me secured. When the casket closed, i became naked, standing without a balance and had no guidance. But i had to keep going for my own sake and the family. I took the weight of the whole world just to not become the person i was before because i didnt have the confidence to expose my anger.

And i guess, i've grown more mature not to burst out for no reason...

Boys, it aint easy to be a man and seriously, im not calling myself one. Honestly, if you cant find the reason, have the reaction of being in your 20's and put food on your table... you aint shit. Trust me, cracking botttles and driving something which aint yours dont make you the man.

Surviving does. Breaking out of poverty does. Placing smiles and loving does. Forgiving does.
Believing in your dreams does.

I seen many faces that live with a mask. Wallet stacked with someone's hard work. Riding on 4 wheels but the movement is not their hard earn. And they smile fake and live in disgust but secured cause when they fall, someone is ready is catch. Been there, done that but you know what, sometimes there wont be no one to catch you or even throw the net to avoid you from hurting. I'll killed hundred's in own single shop just to get the weight of my pockets having so much of money and that was almost someone who with degree would imagine having as a monthly salary. You never think when you're secured with everything but when it dissapaers, you're lost in a maze with no exit out. Imagine being blindfold inside there.

This aint an unsatisfied young man grumblings but expriences lesson i've learnt when poverty knocked my home. God gave me the gift of gab and spend extra seconds of my hands so when i write, i pen down magic but he didnt insert money sense into it. And i guess i dont want to pin a price on my talent or gift. It unfair and i dont wanna sell-out.

Life.... i wonder, why do i keep going under? Cause the rise is hard work...

So this pretty lifeless living of mine is a lesson to many cause i still get my old friends telling me to hold on while im standing on the edge, ready to fall. But my hands is tied with a iron rope to geeta and my music. How can i give up on em now? How can i fall now? Guess i'll never until i lose the last person in the world who loves me. There's many left and to all the folks i said harsh words in the past, i take it back. Maybe you deserve the curse but let bygones be bygones.

Im a mocking-bird. Peace

Broken Mirror

2005-03-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

I try to tell myself every night before i sleep that everything will be alright tomorrow but guess not...

Turnin nothin into somethin, is God work
And you get nothin without struggle and hard work
The hardest thing is to forgive, but God does
Even if you murdered or robbed, yeah it's wrong, but God loves
Take one step toward him, he takes two toward you
Even when all else fail, God support you
I done it, got God sun on my stomach

Nas-Doo Rags

So with this lines playing inside my mind, i wish to change the atmosphere im living in. I've seen the nasty and ugly sight many wish not to see even when they're stucked inside their nightmare. But it's not as bad as i think it is. Cause today was almost living inside my own hell. Waking up with freedom just to realize that im locked inside my own space where i call home. But with loved ones always making me see the reason to live, i always survive inside the secured buildings of my thinking. Thr truth hidden is actually, fear.

Fear of losing and fear of facing facts. The fear of losing my dream but it's actually making my life into a nightmare.

But i need to step up, stand strong and be a man. My dad made the kids always remember the thing that made him the man he was "Keep your head up no matter what people say because no one is perfect". Yeah, sounds very indian from where i come from but i denied that for a very long time until today. The better way to say it is "fuck the world and life's a bitch but you gotta bite your tongue cause life goes on" Thats what i'll tell my kids.

It's time now and there's no turning back. Friends come and go and love gets stolen but im glad with what i have. Baby just stay with me like you said and we'll get through this, i promise.

Love is pain and i wanna feel it.

Back again...

2005-03-22T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a while but im 'back again with the second chapter'...

-Cant wait for Mixology 2 to drop cause Fuzz keeps dropping gems on his mixing skills.

-Cant wait to start working and hop along with slacks and ties. God, back to reality.

-Cant wait to finish the album. I guess 4 more songs and we're done with the classic. *Brag*

-Cant wait to ink the papers for the management and start getting quality shows and respect.

-Cant wait to drive geeta around. Pick her and send her home, you know? Like a normal dude.

But guess all this can come along with right timing and hard work, thats it. Nothing more and nothing less when comes to these grumblings. And yes, when you start praying and receiving good shine from above, you just start doing the right things in life. When you start mixing with the right people, you start doing the right things. Geeta, thank you for putting me back to the right tracks. I'll run along right okay? Love you so much baby.

Back to the basics, folks.

Beyond 05

2005-03-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

By end of this year if musis dont take it's place in my life, im quitting i guess. Been doing too much of thinking about it. Not going soft or chickening out but a brother got his reasons.

Ask why naughty max dont want to come back to where they supposed to be at. Right at the top

Peace and word to mother.

I need a new pair of sneakers.. nike or bathing ape. Ahhhh why do kicks crash my daily agenda?

2005-03-11T12:29:00.000-08:00

This are some of the hooks or lines or chorus that been struggling themselves inside my head.
And i dedicate these verses to you baby. God, i been a person who sometimes dont understand how you feel or what i need to do to make this work but please put you trust in me.... I love you.
Read along love...

John Legend- Number One.

You know that I love you
There's no one above you
I said it the last time
But this is the last time
Don't make me over
Cuz I can be faithful
Baby you're my number one
You're my number one

Now who is she?What's her name?
You don't need to know about everything
We fight about this
We fight about that
You hang up the phone and call me right back
Well I'll never be something I'm not
Please don't throw away what we've got
Cuz we've been together for way too long
I was playing around but I'm coming home

Jesse Mccartney- Beautiful Soul.

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Common- Come Close.

You help me to discovery me
I just want you to put trust in me
I kind of laugh when you cuss at me
The aftermath is you touching me
It's destiny to we connected girl
You and i we can affect the world
I'm tired of the fast lane
I want you to have my last name

Common- The Light

If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

Q-Tip- Come Close Remix

I don't stress it girl
They say that you and I are from different worlds
You're from underneath the underground
And I understood my Hip-Hop run to this position
I don't stress it sweetie
You write in cursive, I write in graffiti
Opposites, not really we just customize
For my turfs, hey I'm instructin' you to listen
I'm sayin' it a rats ass I couldn't give
Even though you're far away and my heart you live
So bring your little sweet face closer to me
And look into my eyes tell me what you see

Now you know how i feel bout you... im bad with showing it in real life to be very honest. I dont fall in love easily but i want you to know that i really love you and you mean alot to me.
K baby :)

And yeah, fellas go ahead call me a 'emo-dude' but a brother got his reasons when comes to love.
You dont let the best slip away from your arms. When you hold the right hand, you know...

Secret Entry

2005-03-11T11:52:00.000-08:00

I just dont get it cause i was always thaught to believe that im not perfect and you do mistakes but sometimes you cant ignore faults and mistakes... just gotta live with it.

Took me 22 years to realize but saying sorry was something i was so used with rather than hurting someone by just keeping quiet when my mind's blank. Straight blank and freezed when your future is so uncertain and day by day it scares the shit outta you. I dropped by ego and said
'Balan, you gotta do something to prove everyone'. Im sick and tired to be looked down and few gave me that disgust stare like im nothing but they have a point.

Who am I? What am I?

Nothing much to be very honest. I've touched hearts and crack smiles. Share my view on shoes and music with everyone nowdays. Been cheated and recently i knew how love really feels.
Made people angry and happy. Gave birth to hugs and kisses but also middle fingers and curses.
Have many friends but a very few that i can turn when i need a pair of ears to listen. Oracle was
a bogus cause i tried speaking to Him but he never replied or responded. Tell me why? No one can actually expect him. So what does all this make me? A simple human who makes mistakes and achieve things but also dissapoint people along the journey. I know i've dissapointed many. Cant win the trust because of my past. Guess i always cared with what people said rather than thinking what my heart says... no wonder i never took good care of myself. The answer to the current state of my health is through my own destruction.

Rewind the memories and let my eyes shed tears but is it worth it?

This is how i wanna live. A crib with loads of hard-cover books, shoes and records. Japanese furnitures to flash images to the hall and rooms. Wine bottles stocked for the empty nights.
One baby girl running around to fill my ears with her laughter and tears and i wanna die seeing her grow. Retire in the age of 40 and let my MACP cheque knock my post box every year with 5 figures. Walk in the street and every young emcee giving their hollers. Ladies still smiling for the gift of gab i've cracked them with. Invitation to all the parties thrown at my favourite spot.
One person that i can trust with every single secret passed down. A person that would stick through thick and thin and even if i lose my arms to hug her, she wants me to use my lips to touch her.... i found someone like that, finally but my future aint balanced and me as well.

God, im in fantasy land so someone please slap me back to reality.

Sleep Over

2005-03-10T00:52:00.000-08:00

Sleeping over at your friends place can always turn into alot of different activities.

The plan was practise and late night chats but A.L went to sleep and i was left with loads of dvd's, a handphone with no credit to call my love and 4 sticks of malboro. How sad but i made the best of it. I wrote loads of lines and heard John Legend's album... and boy, he's so good.

Baby, you're my number one :)

I wake up today with 6 hours of sleep cause i woke up way too many times yesterday night. Dont know why and im a bastard when i dont get enough sleep to be honest. The trip to Xfresh Fm today turned into a live interview. Fuck, i didnt know what to say and we spoke bout SPM?? Come on man, i crossed that age of commenting bout it but gotta do what you gotta do. Put smiles on kids faces.

I be heading to nouvo later to watch my boy Fuzz play and to spend some quality time with geeta. Hope it goes well and not falling down like toys with nursery kids. What am i saying? I will not lose... never.

Thank god she and many gave me hope to live. Peace

Black-Out

2005-03-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

"Boy, you gotta stop your stupid dream and start earning money cause end of the day...."

I wonder at times, is money everything? Yeah, it does bring you places and impress people around you but fuck.. does it buy you smiles? No. Does it buy you love? No.

Does it kill your dreams? YES.

2 hours and 6 ice lemon tea brought me face to face with reality cause sometimes financial stress causes the pain that can bring the sickness towards your dreams. My dream is at it's final stage of finding it's cure but im worried i wont have time. I love my sister but the things she said couple of hours ago broke my heart... and i think she'll take years to find her image back in it.

I wish i never heard the makaveli cd when i was 14 until i picked my own rhyme book. Thinking i'll be like will smith on 'Fresh prince of bel air' was another dumb dream. I never knew life was more than just having your dream and working towards it. It's biting your tongue when things dont work your way. It's pain and tears you face. It's dissapointment when you reach where you wanted to be at. When i was on top the mountain, the view was really clear but i neglected and ignored the things i was supposed to do and see but as i hit rock bottom, i knew how people felt to be at the dirty and ugly atmosphere. It wasn't easy to wear my shoes and i realize that when people came and said 'Balan, you're good'. And i realized why i got all those middle fingers behind my face. Im glad i got best of both worlds when came to feedback.

Geeta... im glad you were there on sunday and i love everything you told me about my showcase and everyday i wake up to hear from you and thanks for being honest with everything you tell me, baby. I've never felt this way and i'll make you proud some day when no one will complain or worry...Trust me like Common said, if heaven had a height... you'll be that tall.

Suda... your conversation are always good. Your state-of-mind makes you different, auntie. Just kidding friend but you're far mature for your age and you gotta start believing in that. Cant wait to hang out one more time.

Im gonna log off for now but i'll never blast off. Peace.

Writer's Block

2005-03-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

I just cant write nowdays. The words are seemed to be pretty blocked inside my head.

I think i'm losing the touch... nowdays it takes days to make my lyrics/poem work. When i was 17, it was more like just writting and everything else comes after that. But recently, my notepads been filtering the lines i write and makes me think of the politics or drama it might bring. Even my blog tells me to do the same thing. "Dont write your heart, write your mind".

So fuck being complex. I rather write something everyone can digest than just writting to impress the writers around you. Skill is something what you should be proud of, not people around you. Even you make sense in the easiest form, you should be happy, kid.

My mind is in it's decision moments. The truth shall be televised when i finish writting the four new songs before we saying done to the album.

Then call me 'pop' like you always wanted to but guess i just gotta do what i gotta do to make myself happy and also be reason to put food on my table.

Weekend Border

2005-03-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

Weekend was always something i look forward too cause it's always filled with crazy things but last week came and gave me the evidence that i can live crazy to the fullest.

- Performed infront 1200 people and managed to crack a smile atleast from half of them.
-Always wanted to be suprised and i guess god heard me to give me the suprise of my life.
-For the first time, i decided with my own mind and not listening what people had to add to it.
-Knew how love felt like when my loved one fell sick.
-Stayed awake almost a whole night taking care of her when she was having fever. Worried.
-Didnt get enough sleep for atleast 3 days.
-Met up with good friends and knew that they'll always be there for me.
-Knew the reason why i was kicked around.
-Realized where studies and music are in my life.

I can keep going but i'll cross the weekend border so... i'll updated you freaks when im done with this week.

With pics, that is. Peace

Arranged Grumblings.

2005-02-23T04:10:00.000-08:00

I havent gone home since monday and thank god the places i landed had my clothes and i still had time to run home as well. Tpo many people took my clothes in the past and never return em back. Time for the balan the clothes ripper to redeem everything back. Hahahahaha....

I miss geeta badly and cant do anything bout it cause she is busy and im in that shoes as well.

Got a job to rock a show this week and im already losing my voice after smoking too much. The trip is gonna be a little long and too much complaints now already but as she says, its all good. :)

And im having a fever that i cant fight back i guess. Only if things never fell apart and you were here with me.

Peace. Ignore the grumblings.

Too Phat

2005-02-21T19:03:00.000-08:00

One of the earliest pic of Too Phat back in 98 or 99. They been dropping good albums all their carreer but many choose to hate because they dominated. I guess many will face reality that they're good when the next album hit the town... best believe. The leaders of the new school.

All Starz Division

2005-02-21T19:02:00.002-08:00

All Starz Division. This is my introduction to one of the very talented and hard-working crews in the scene. Got nothing but love for this guys and Trip produces crazy ish...

Teh tarik crew

2005-02-21T19:02:00.001-08:00

My favourite malaysian outfit. Teh TarikCrew been the dopest and the most hard working crew ever. Both their album is fucking dope and i owe this guys so much. A.L been a great friend and a brother that looks out for you. Fuzz, keeps me at the right state of mind, Nina, plays our track on her shows everytime she gets a change and fique always passed down the helping hand

Rebel Scum

2005-02-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

Go check this fellas out. Underground-independent at it's finest.

www.therebelscum.com

The future he saw before facing today.

2005-02-21T19:01:00.002-08:00

My dj and the best critic/advisor/ friend many wish to find.. Melvin Lim. Chicks love this muthafucker.

Koncept83

2005-02-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

My favourite malaysian lyricist. My boy- Koncept83 aka Arsenik aka G-Loc(R.I.P 83-200)

Just blaze, scottie.

2005-02-21T18:20:00.001-08:00

One of the rare pics leaks out from the vault. My normal boys hang-out. Check the blaze, dawg.

On my own

2005-02-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

The things balan need atleast once a week. Coffee with malboro light and cheese cakes. Handphone that you can call out with. Rasberry shake would go in as a bonus and geeta beside me as a proper date. Or just with my boys, chilling and getting hollers.

A Snobbisah Casanova boss player, call me that.

Tone of this poet

2005-02-21T17:52:00.000-08:00

Music was always something i wanted to live with everyday. I cannot imagine going one day without hearing raps that has loud bass and drum patterns. Till was until i was caught up with the sounds and also the politics of it.

I wish i never wrote till i started hiting the studios...

Hiphop started of as a culture that i feel has turned into a product or money making scheme for many people around the world. I respect whatever many artist are doing but sometimes i think, isnt there so much more that you can sing or rap about? It doesnt always have to do something with girls and money. Fame and fortune. Hate and envy. But many choose to repeat the cycle and keep staying in the comfort zone? But why not, it sells and girls go all crazy for you.

Along the way of my musical journey i realize sometimes your believes and dreams has to be quite well planned and organized. Not just dreaming it but making it happen also. Changing a certain things just to please you and many out there who wants to share your dream. I know how all this dudes i met in the scene felt before they started doing major shows. Watching t.v and just hoping that they can be that person someday. Rapping to every verse and going on with believe it's so gonna happen to em. Guess what? If you cant pimp the system, the system pimps you brother. Aint no ghetto story we can share even it's true cause they're just gonna say "Yo, i dont know any ghetto or you must be just fake". End of the day, it's how many records you sell and how many people are singing along to your verse. That's it and not much more.

In this country, alright?

I have so much of respect to the groups i know who want to stay independent underground and still kick that crazy ish but im finding my way out for both- money and respect.

There's so much you can take until you lose it and start thinking. I started today...

Peace

Wordsmith

2005-02-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

That's my boy, Nas aka Wordsmith from the TRP. This was when taken when the klang boys went thru to record their first track 'War'. Cant wait to see the whole selection finish and drop to the masses. Kid, watch and straighten yourself. Your talent is an example of the finest in making
when comes to real lyrics and crazy flows. All the best, peace

White Devil

2005-02-21T17:41:00.001-08:00

Before Joe's concert. Just some recent pics that i wanted to share. Check the t' and represent.

Crossing Borders and Love

2005-02-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

KLG Sqwad, Ahli Fikir, ILLsteez , G-Soul aka Quamran and few singapore cats who were part of the hiphop-fest.

Kokula Balan

2005-02-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

Lost and confused as always. After singapore hiphop fest. The land with so much of love.

2005-02-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

KLG Sqwad logo..

Sunshine in the air

2005-02-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

I miss you like knowing the fact i'll never see you,
Again like how the moon never seen or feel the heat of the sun,
The chill from the rain, so much of pain like pac when he was hurt,
You dont know how i feel when you hurt me with little sincere words,
So complex, i can never understand you, you always puzzle me,
Fuck holding hands, i wanna lock your touch like im crazy,
Even one baby will make me proud to say your kids have my last name,
Insane, my mind cant calm when i think of you, i know it's a crying shame,
But only a few could reach me inside like they way you do,
So much of beauty distraction but it's suprising they way i turn to you,
For a direction of love cycle, a pain a man and women share,
I swear, i care for your needs but im lost with money kinds,
Crying to stay blind, im so scared and feared to see the sunshine,
Made you say you've never met my kind, you understanding princess,
I just opened your diary and reach chapter one but i wanna know your interest,
No one has made me feel this way and thats why now i know what love is,
Different names and funny blames, this fire might light up the eternal flame,
The things we lead made us reach the final highlight before we played the game,
What's the worst that can happen? Only heartbreaks and confusion,
The chemical reaction sometimes solves the formula but fails often,
But we can work it out like every one else or stay lonely like a orphan,
Love makes us do funny thing but we realize mistakes before we commit them,
So smart and beautiful, i told you god spend extra time on you, my heaven sent...

I cant be ready to face day by day with you.

Love you, geeta.

Beautiful Struggle

2005-02-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a week full of suprises. Great chats that i've never dream about...

God i guess finally you heard my prayers. Im so glad i found my road to U-turn back to you...

Lovely. Broke and still to the basics living that made me think of the future. Soiling seeds to grow my future into a tree that you can chop to find wisdom and love. Skills and tears. Confidence and honesty. I didnt pop any pills to be speaking like this and brag but i found out loads of things i've done since the beginning but i was too afraid to face it. Didnt wanna confront it to find my ways.

She helped to find it using her smile. They made me see it through looking inside of me. I wish to always meet people like this till they rest me. I would love to...

Future is something i find very near yet it's far ahead of me. Fame and fortune cant never digest my hunger of life. I wont deny money could make me smile and make the world go around but there are some things money just cant buy. Dont you argee with me? I bet no one would deny that fact that i realized after 4 years of poverty and from the effects of my dad's death. Rest in peace, big man. You know i'll so proud to be your child but i just i never got the chance to make you smile when someone says something bout me expect music and it's reasons.

I just wanna write and write about me and the world surrounding me and you. Live inside my own space without disturbance of anything at all. Listen to records or cd's that could crack smiles and bring back memories. See my kicks lined up one by one. So fresh and clean everytime i hit towns with my girlfriend. Make love and cherish it. Pay my rents and bill with hard earned money and be proud with what i'll created. Drive a white satria with nice rims and systems. Be the daddy my kid could be proud about someday. The son that my mom wanna be happy about.

All im saying is... I just wanna be a man and do my own thing. Cant be the boy all you folks addore anymore.

I guess i just cant... the ego is dead, i promise but the real me just came alive. See you in the future and where it brings me to.

Dreamin of you

2005-02-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

I was in the state of losing it until you puzzled me again and put me in the road....

Miss you so much....geeta

Cold Playground Valentine

2005-02-13T12:02:00.000-08:00

It was valentine when i knew the fact i cant go more than days without you,
The night was cold and my kisses were bad to spoil the moments but,
You bite your tongue and smiled just to make sure i understand, you care...
You're falling but i've done drop quite a while now but didnt want to spoil the foundation,
Im lacing what you call an investment, to make sure it's strong when we reach the next-stop,
Close your eyes and think bout me, you'll feel me around your soul,
That's how strong this love is....
Balan, a goose-bumps fiend,
Like you never seen, i ask God when i pray nowdays, where has she been?
All these years when i needed someone like her.......

Then i figured out why i walked through torns and stone of love...

To find someone like you after the rain stop.

Sunshine, im starting to love you but i dont know how to make us one.

Back in track

2005-02-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

Three person, two days and one-same-minded-chat...

And i've never been more happy in life. Guess my eyes are pretty much open and i cant
realize what's right and wrong.

Thank you prem and chobe.

And geeta, time is racing against me but we'll meet in the moments of it. Another bottle of wine shall we? :)

Ahmad, david, bav, K, Simon and the rest.... thank you for sticking thru thick and thin till i found myself

Peace

Go figure...

2005-02-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

Why would I want to destroy somethin I helped build?-Eminem

You go figure :)

Emotions are curses and.....

Cold walk down...

2005-02-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

I wish to make you understand that i can only offer space if i could get some?

I feel crowded even when i stand alone at times. Eyes, they dont leave me alone.

Enlighten me with a world that could only hold two person... you and me.

Timebomb is already sleeping.

Tipsy Walk Home

2005-02-02T01:25:00.000-08:00

I got drunk................again

Wild nght out with the boys. Full of jokes and empy talks but end of the night, we had few bottles and jugs done zero till no drip came out. If you gave my boys a chance, they would break the bottle just to lick the remaining liquid left.

Boys will still be boys after few drinks.

Got back home and after a long time, i was mumbling away on the phone. Got so high, i slept off without calling back someone and broke a promise.

Morning. Head spinning like a twister somewhere in texas and my mouth was stinking like left-over garbage.

But im okay n0w after some good indian lunch, fast car-chase and you.

Lazy Tuesday

2005-01-31T09:20:00.000-08:00

It's hard to keep up with all my friendster, myspace, hi5, hotmail account... and adding up to the list, trying to fit in.. is this blogspot. But i rather waste my time here than wasting it on looking for your soul-mate online...losers.

What a day. No lunch cause i was deep in my sleep. Evening was just some 'Mom-N-Son' conversation to wake me up and realize that i've duties to attend. Fuck... it's hard being 22.

A shocking sms that lead down to the nearest phone just to hear that sweet voice and laugh. Funny agenda :) I believe in God and he keeps everyone you care, safe and sound.

Music, music, music.... why talent gets no respect? And why is hiphop no more an artform but a product?

I got an sms that might secure the future but i have no idea whether it's true or not.

Good night, timebomb.

2005-01-30T10:12:00.000-08:00

I wish i'll never know what real love is... until time comes and bump me.

In the quiet storm, i want you to knock me off.

Ish holding hands, i wanna lock your touch.

So dont say nothin.... just hush.

Victim of my crime

2005-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

Im a victim of my time

A product of my age

There's no choosing my direction

I was a holy man but now

With all my trials behind me

Im weak in my conviction

Musiq Soulchild- Nothin at all.

My thoughts can only feel this way. Helpless. I hate thinking with my head and ignoring my heart but im findin my way back... to you. Im gonna crack open the door of my hell. Im sick of being behind closed doors and self-minded portals.

To reclaim my soul.

-Someone bringing me for a good dinner or cooking for me
-Good hangout session without any thoughts bout how im gonna get home. Sick of hitch-riding.
-Driving license (Please god, im 22. Now can i drive?)
-More weight
-Hugo Boss and a nice white sneakers.
-Help someone to shop.

-A JOB that i would enjoy. Pshhhhhh......

Can i kick it? I know even God would say, yes you can.

The Light

2005-01-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

F**k blast off... Being part of the show was like sleeping with the wrong whore. Big mistake but a good experience to learn and keep.

Calls after calls. Mourning sms-ed reaching me like i lost my dad for the second time. I guess they'll did their part of showing their concern. Love goes out to everyone who hollered. Pz

But the night was great and bad. Some asshole burned my eyes out but thank god i didnt lost sight or anything like that. Great dance with H.E.R, nice drinking night out with the boys but the best was the quality time i got with everyone.

Weekend was like a big mistake. A hang-out session almost turned my life into a nightmare again. Before i could wake up, everyone had something to say bout it. God, i love you for gifting and showering me with good friends.

Stay away from drugs.

H.E.R, why are you so worried? Tell me cause im supposed to be worried bout you. Thank you for being such an understanding soul who knows how to gift a smile whenever im down. I wish to hold your hands if i ever hit rock bottom someday.

Good night to the light.

Duet for one

2005-01-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

*Singing*

Hold me now cause i cant pretend....

I feel like a broken glass with full of bad luck. Disorder in me causes me repeating the same mistakes.

Street lights for my dark alley

2005-01-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

He cried after ages.

The cold hearted bastard actually shed some tears to kill the fake-person he was trying to be. The feelings that he kept well hidden broke outta his safe-box. His dusty diary memories came back flashing as his tears started pouring like he kept his eyes opened for days.

Red and full of tears... he didnt wanna wipe it off. Talks thrash and say nothing relevant to his own blood to defend the facts. The T.V is still playing the visual images that is the reason he is crying but he doesn't wanna turn it off. He is immune to this feel of missing that one person he lost.

He gets up and runs, only to slam shut his door and crashes the corner of his bed.

The boy screams.

As he got up to face the mirror... and he saw ME.

And i miss my dad like i never missed anyone else. Still love to hide the feelings and i've not got over it.

Dead-End

2005-01-25T03:37:00.000-08:00

Friendship is a very funny thing.

It makes you do the dumbest things just to keep yourself addicted to that one person.

Drugs is a better way to put it. You know it's dangerous but you keep doing it. Smoking it and coming to a point you cant leave without it.

What happens when you play with fire? You get burned if you dont have the water to put it out.

Some of the friends i met along the road...hmmm i lost few and found many but only a very few care what was happening and showed concern in a honest manner. Many fake just to get the smile of you.

Hope you take some time and think the agenda that has been mis-leading you.

The journey begins

2005-01-25T03:25:00.000-08:00

Monday 24/01/05

Great friendship bonding session with two of my best buddies. Chobie and Prem, god knows how can I ever thank you boys enough? This three years been a hella crazy ride but thanks for slowing the control- panel for me.

Im glad you idiots did it for me... :) And making me believe that real friends still exist.

I met up with one friend that led me to meet more 'new friends'. I enjoyed the hang out session and the long drive even knowing the fact i completed the night with only silence. Guess no one had anything to say to decipher my thoughts but when they heard what i had to say, one said i was confused and the rest... smiled :)

But the greatest lesson of all was... i know how it feels to be 'lost inside my own world'.

My long lost....

2005-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

She knocks me off my feet, leaving me unbalanced....

Im wondering and trying to understand her whispers that the wind blows....

The only soul+friend i know that ignored me and taught me a lesson about being defensive...

Made me come face to face against my fear of speaking up without knowing she was doing it....

Killed my ego and been very understanding and according to the atmosphere im stucked in...

Where were you all this time? Thats the only answer i need to know...or maybe i was blind to see the friend in you..

I wanna get to know you more, geeta.

Can I?

Dreaming of H.E.R

2005-01-19T10:03:00.000-08:00

It was another boring ass day. That's the deal. Hehe...

Will blog some soon....

Pz